It's like Christmas - only not so much

Remember that feeling you used to get as a kid when Christmas Eve came around?  You were SO excited, nervous, ready for it to be here, but not ready for it to be over?  Forcing yourself to go to sleep because you knew that if you didn't go to sleep tomorrow would never get here.  That pretty much describes us at the moment. 

We are so ready to meet our baby, but so scared and anxious and worried about what meeting him entails.  We are both so on edge right now - ready to snap at any moment.  Between the anxiety surrounding Dryden's birth - not to mention other things going on in our lives, things are REALLY hard right now.   Neither of us is sleeping... me, mostly because of the normal FUN stuff at the end of pregnancy... heartburn, leg cramps... oh the joys.  But more than that... night is always the time your brain has time to wander... anxiety has time to settle in... and with nothing to stop you from thinking about everything - sleep just doesn't come easy.

For those of you who know what we are going through - I don't need to explain a thing.  You've been there. For those of you who don't know... I don't think I really CAN explain.   Any time someone says anything about it, I have to refrain from getting upset - like them saying something about it will somehow make the situation worse.  Like maybe, just maybe this is all a bad dream and we will wake up and everything will be fine.  Most parents know, reality never really sets in until after the baby is born.  Until then - until you hold your baby for the first time... second time... maybe even bring them home... it just isn't real.  I feel like maybe if I don't actually say the words, everything will be fine.  

I still find it extremely hard when someone asks about Dryden to actually speak the words Spina Bifida or Hydrocephalus.  It hurts.  Those are words you hear when you are flipping through the channels and see a medical show.  Those are words that describe someone else.  Those are NOT words that describe a baby - not YOUR baby.  

As the time ticks by, and the day fast approaches, its much harder to just stay busy and think about other things.  The optimist in me says, "It could always be worse"... and the pessimist screams, "Yeah, well it could always be better too!".   I find myself more and more thinking about Dryden growing up.  Will he be made fun of?  Will he be accepted?  Will I be a good mom to him?  Will I have enough patience?  What if I can't handle this!? And I hate myself for thinking a lot of these things because I know deep down that no matter what, its going to be ok.  

I suppose the good news is that the tests have all been consistent from week to week.  No significant changes in anything.  The nurses and ultrasound tech have become my new best friends.  At least that's how it seems... I sure do see them a lot more than most of my friends.  Everyone has been so nice and helpful.  And being able to see the SAME nurses really helps to relax you when you are in there strapped to a machine and being poked and prodded once a week!!

Still feel so very lucky to have B in my life.  It's amazing how some people really are just meant to be.  It certainly hasn't been the easiest road... but we are learning.  I've never had someone who I could so openly talk to... be best friends with... and have SO MUCH in common.  I don't think a lot of people are lucky enough to say that.  While I know this journey isn't going to be easy, I always know that there is someone  beside me helping me along and sharing my burden.  Dryden is going to have a great father.  

Tina comes back next weekend - and I have never been so excited to get her back!!  I miss my little shorty.  Usually I'm so booked up for the summer everything flies by and it seems like she is back in no time. This summer... since I've pretty much not been able to stay too busy outside the house, I have missed her every second.  She's only been gone for about a month but it seems like YEARS!!!!

So much going on in the next couple of weeks, I may not be able to write much... but I'll try and stay in touch. Thanks for everyone leaving encouraging comments too.  I just figured out how to read them.  :)  Love all of you guys.