Waiting Game

Tina is back!!  FINALLY!!!!  

So happy to have her home.  Definitely missed her!!  :)  I must say though, I guess I forgot how hyper she is... and how pregnant I am!!  I can't keep up!!!  I can't wait to see her with her little brother.  She is going to be such a great big sister.    

Baby Shower 7/18/2012

So thankful to everyone for all the stuff we got for the baby shower.  

We got Dryden's room done with everything that we got too!!  Well... what we have of a room!  haha  BJ worked SO hard on getting everything ready.  I wasn't allowed to do too much - but I did get to wash, fold/hang, and put away his clothes in his new armoire!  :)  That definitely made me smile looking at all those cute little things.  

Ready for Dryden!!!!!

It is really hard to believe that we are only 5 days away at this point.  I have so many things I am unsure about - it really is so intimidating and overwhelming.  I have been trying to pack a bag for me and for him for the hospital and so many things have been going through my mind!!!  Things that I never thought about till now.  

1.  We have all these clothes... will he be able to wear them?  Should I pack any of his cute little outfits for the hospital?  

2.  When will we be able to hold him?  

3.  What about sleeping?  He obviously can't sleep on his back... but you aren't supposed to let them sleep any other way - so what are we supposed to do?!  

I know the hospital is probably going to go through all of this with us ... so I probably shouldn't be as worried as I am... but I want to be prepared as much as I can!!!

Lucky for me, there are moms that have done this before and are SO VERY EAGER to help!!  I don't know what I would do without their advice!  Of course it is different for everyone, but what I've found is that; 

1.  No... more than likely, they will have him in a t-shirt if anything at the hospital.  We should be able to bring him home in one of his cute little outfits though... but I won't have to pack too much stuff from here.  

2.  Holding him depends on the surgery and when it happens and everything.  Some people are able to hold their kiddos shortly after surgery and others weren't able to hold their little ones till about 7 days!!  Oh my... SEVEN DAYS... That seems like a LIFETIME!!!  

3.  No, he will definitely be sleeping on his tummy.  No back sleeping.  But as I've heard they have a bunch of monitors and such on them so that there really is no chance of SIDS.  Which is a BIG fear for me!!!  I also have a friend giving me a monitor for the same purpose to use at home.  We have a video monitor set up already too.  

It seems like whatever gets thrown at me, there is a mom out there that has an answer - and the reassurance that everything is going to be just perfect.  As much as that helps... even knowing that we aren't the only ones out there isn't helping me too much in these last days!!  

I know this sounds so selfish and stupid, but I am really almost ... jealous... I guess.  I have SO MANY friends having babies right now and they are all perfectly healthy little bundles of joy that get to snuggle up after they are born, get pictures in all their adorable little outfits and go home a few days later.  I just wish things were different.  I know that once he is born all of that will go right out of the window and the only thing that will matter will be getting him better and taking him home.  

One thing is for sure - I am SO ready to have this little bugger!  He is sitting SO high in my ribs that I just can't get comfy!  I finally decided I need to stop driving - there is just no comfy way to sit in a car properly.  I had to visit a different specialist this week since mine is out of town and she said, "Sometimes it still surprises me how high I have to go to get a good view!" talking about the ultrasound of course.  

Five more days.  

Please keep us in your prayers/thoughts.  We will really be needing it in the next few days. 

Chunky Lil Monkey!!

ALMOST TIME!!!!!!!!

FINALLY got back from all the appointments today and MAN am I feeling the pressure of everything now!!  Had all the talks about pre-op and went over the c-section and what to expect.  Made sure all the doctors had everything on their schedules.  Whew.  I'm TIREDDDDDD!!!

Here is the latest though... 

1.  Everything is still going as expected.  All in proportion, no new problems!

2.  Dryden will be born on July 18th between 12:00 p.m. and 1:00 p.m.  He will be exactly 3 weeks early. 

3.  Apparently... as the doctor said today, he is CHUNKY!!  She said he has a fat little belly - and at only 35 weeks he is already almost 7 POUNDS!!!  Wow.  

Tina was only 7.6 lbs at birth and she was TWO WEEKS LATE!!  I cannot imagine if I had to go full term with this little buddy!!!  Whew!  He certainly won't be the typical premie baby you are used to seeing!!!  

He was moving around SO MUCH today at the Dr.  They had me on the monitor doing my weekly test and he kept setting off the alarms because it couldn't find his heartbeat.  Every time they would get a clear reading, he would roll over and they would lose it.  And the ultrasound was pretty funny too - trying to get measurements and stuff while he is rolling around like a crazy little thing!!

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On another note - the baby shower is coming up this weekend and I am SUPER excited!!  Thanks to BJ's family we have a crib... but nothing else!  :)  Every time I go somewhere I want to buy him something.  I really have to restrain from actually getting anything.  Do you know how hard that is!?

Really not much else to report right now.  TWO MORE WEEKS!!!  I never thought in a million years I would be here today.  And almost 9 months ago - I'd never have thought the time would go by so fast!  

Waiting for our CHUNKY baby!!  :)  

It's like Christmas - only not so much

Remember that feeling you used to get as a kid when Christmas Eve came around?  You were SO excited, nervous, ready for it to be here, but not ready for it to be over?  Forcing yourself to go to sleep because you knew that if you didn't go to sleep tomorrow would never get here.  That pretty much describes us at the moment. 

We are so ready to meet our baby, but so scared and anxious and worried about what meeting him entails.  We are both so on edge right now - ready to snap at any moment.  Between the anxiety surrounding Dryden's birth - not to mention other things going on in our lives, things are REALLY hard right now.   Neither of us is sleeping... me, mostly because of the normal FUN stuff at the end of pregnancy... heartburn, leg cramps... oh the joys.  But more than that... night is always the time your brain has time to wander... anxiety has time to settle in... and with nothing to stop you from thinking about everything - sleep just doesn't come easy.

For those of you who know what we are going through - I don't need to explain a thing.  You've been there. For those of you who don't know... I don't think I really CAN explain.   Any time someone says anything about it, I have to refrain from getting upset - like them saying something about it will somehow make the situation worse.  Like maybe, just maybe this is all a bad dream and we will wake up and everything will be fine.  Most parents know, reality never really sets in until after the baby is born.  Until then - until you hold your baby for the first time... second time... maybe even bring them home... it just isn't real.  I feel like maybe if I don't actually say the words, everything will be fine.  

I still find it extremely hard when someone asks about Dryden to actually speak the words Spina Bifida or Hydrocephalus.  It hurts.  Those are words you hear when you are flipping through the channels and see a medical show.  Those are words that describe someone else.  Those are NOT words that describe a baby - not YOUR baby.  

As the time ticks by, and the day fast approaches, its much harder to just stay busy and think about other things.  The optimist in me says, "It could always be worse"... and the pessimist screams, "Yeah, well it could always be better too!".   I find myself more and more thinking about Dryden growing up.  Will he be made fun of?  Will he be accepted?  Will I be a good mom to him?  Will I have enough patience?  What if I can't handle this!? And I hate myself for thinking a lot of these things because I know deep down that no matter what, its going to be ok.  

I suppose the good news is that the tests have all been consistent from week to week.  No significant changes in anything.  The nurses and ultrasound tech have become my new best friends.  At least that's how it seems... I sure do see them a lot more than most of my friends.  Everyone has been so nice and helpful.  And being able to see the SAME nurses really helps to relax you when you are in there strapped to a machine and being poked and prodded once a week!!

Still feel so very lucky to have B in my life.  It's amazing how some people really are just meant to be.  It certainly hasn't been the easiest road... but we are learning.  I've never had someone who I could so openly talk to... be best friends with... and have SO MUCH in common.  I don't think a lot of people are lucky enough to say that.  While I know this journey isn't going to be easy, I always know that there is someone  beside me helping me along and sharing my burden.  Dryden is going to have a great father.  

Tina comes back next weekend - and I have never been so excited to get her back!!  I miss my little shorty.  Usually I'm so booked up for the summer everything flies by and it seems like she is back in no time. This summer... since I've pretty much not been able to stay too busy outside the house, I have missed her every second.  She's only been gone for about a month but it seems like YEARS!!!!

So much going on in the next couple of weeks, I may not be able to write much... but I'll try and stay in touch. Thanks for everyone leaving encouraging comments too.  I just figured out how to read them.  :)  Love all of you guys.  

AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

frazzledpast participle, past tense of fraz·zle (Verb)

Verb:

Cause to feel completely exhausted; wear out

I remember how frazzled I got in the weeks leading up to Tina's birth... and then how much MORE frazzled I got every day she was late!!  That little stinker waited TWO WEEKS after the due date - and then had to be induced!!

Well, it's setting in again!!  That sheer panic that there are only a few weeks ... days... until the baby will be here - and OMG we aren't ready!!

I must say... I'm pretty easy going most of the time.  But this isn't my first rodeo... I remember all the things that need to be done!!  Car seat ready... crib set up... clothes all washed and put away... house cleaned THOROUGHLY... kitchen stocked... they all seem pretty simple - but they are all things I won't be able to do right after having him!  And to top it all off... with the surgeries and his extended stay in the hospital - I'm sure I won't be home much anyways!!

Let's throw in that in the middle of all of this I still have Tina coming back from her dad's and I have to get her ready for school to start back up.  School shopping, uniforms, registration, schedules... oh my!!! Things are going to get a little crazy in the next couple of weeks.

And have I mentioned I am still working full time - if not overtime trying to make up for missing so much work because of doctor's appointments - which happen so often now I may as well just start renting one of the exam rooms!!  Yep... frazzled is the PERFECT definition of how I feel right now!!

Let me send out a warning now - if I snap at you, I'm sorry.  If for some reason you find me in the fetal position crying in a dark corner... well... its probably just because I missed a spot cleaning the kitchen or there is laundry piled up.  Nothing to see here, move along.

I swear - everything has me on edge right now.  The fact that I'm not able to move around and get things done has me so worked up that I cried for almost an hour this morning.  And for those of you that know me - I am NOT a cryer!!!  Now, of course, I feel really stupid even admitting it - but there you have it.  I cried about laundry.  Never thought I'd say that sentence!!!

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NOW THAT I'VE GOTTEN THAT OUT

I finally got to meet my nephew and he is so perfect.  He is just absolutely beautiful.  My brother would definitely be very proud of his little dude.   And holding him made me realize even more ... I really can't wait to meet my little man.  I can't wait to see his little face and kiss his nose.  And although it may not be right away - holding him for the first time is going to be absolutely incredible.

What color hair does he have?  What color eyes will he have?  Is he going to look like mommy or more like daddy?!  I know I'm not alone here - there are so many seemingly meaningless things (given the circumstances) that I am just DYING to know.

Come on little dude!!  Mommy and Daddy want to see you!!!  

Celebrations and Sadness

We got to tour the NICU today and meet some of the staff that will be taking care of Dryden.  We went over how things will go from check in to discharge.  We talked about who would be allowed to see the baby, visiting hours, surgery... all of it.

I have to say... we were very impressed by both the staff and the NICU.  

As a quick detour... Congrats are in order!!

Yesterday my nephew was born!!!!  

Brody Kristian Bell

 8 lbs. 11 oz.

  

For those of you who don't know... he's a pretty special baby.  His father, my little brother Brad, died in December... two days after Christmas.  

It's been really hard to deal with, but just knowing Brody was coming kept everyone going.  Unfortunately, I haven't been able to meet him yet, but I really can't wait... 

BACK TO DRYDEN...

We went for our weekly stress test/ultrasound today to check Dryden's progress.  The great news is that nothing has changed.  He is still growing (up to 5 lbs. today!!) right on track.  They are keeping an eye on his left foot... they said they may see some inward turning in it but that since its so slight and so late, there shouldn't be much to worry about.  While trying to get pictures of his feet though - which he NEVER wants to cooperate with - he did leave us this lovely picture... 

Dryden's BUTT 6-20-2012

Now, I know to some people that is like looking at a blob of black and grey... however... the caption is correct - it IS his butt.  He refused to show us his feet - but GLADLY showed us his rear... man our hands are going to be full!! 

The doctor was pretty wishy-washy on delivering him at 37 weeks now.  I still haven't gotten a clear answer on whether or not she is still on board for that.  Which is a little frustrating when trying to schedule maternity leave and school starting for Tina bug and... well everything else!  She just kinda left it as we will see how it goes... not very helpful!!

NOW ABOUT ME... 

Everyone keeps asking how I'm holding up.  And up until today, I can honestly say that I really have been ok.  I've really been trying to be strong through all of this.  I know there isn't anything that can change the situation, and I was determined that being upset about it wouldn't help anything.  

Today that all went out the window.  I think the reality of it all really sunk in and all those feelings came rushing back.  The biggest one being, "It's just not fair."  Please don't misunderstand... I'm not sitting around pouting and saying WHY ME.  It isn't about me.  My heart hurts for HIM.  Knowing that he is going to be born and then rushed into another room and I won't be able to DO anything just hurts.  When they were going through everything at the hospital today I really had to muster up every bit of will power to not break down.  

I have no doubt in my mind that BJ will more than make up for any time I'm not able to spend with him... but that really only makes me feel more helpless right now.  I want to fix him, I want to make everything better... and I won't be able to.  

Sometimes even the strongest people are allowed a few moments of weakness.  And even though I won't let myself in the presence of ... well anyone... I am still going to cry.  It doesn't mean I'm going to wallow in self-pity or pity for Dryden either.  It just means that 99% of the time I will continue to be Wonder woman... but there is that 1% of the time where I just need to be plain old me... no super powers.  

A Father's Dream - Redefined

Society gives you this little box.  Its all wrapped up in this perfect little pink or blue bow.  The problem is, inside that box is everything that society deems "ideal".  Anything not in that box just isn't really acceptable.   

You can't help but get wrapped up in the hype.  In our case, our little blue box was filled with dirt bikes, football, skateboards, drums and guitars.  Its all we talked about.  BJ is so full of life... and so willing to share that life with everyone - especially kids.  I'll never forget the first time I saw him with kids... the way he interacts with them... it really is ALL about the kids.  I know he wanted so badly to be able to share that with his little boy.  

I remember when the doctor told us originally.  Maybe all we heard were the worst things... maybe she just really wanted to give us the worst possible news and work her way down from there.  I just remember her being so ... cold... about it all.  I remember thinking that it was like she was just talking about a picture on the screen... and maybe to her that's all it was.  Hearing that "he may not be able to walk" and that due to the fluid on his brain, "there will be developmental issues".  Every time BJ would ask, is there any chance it isn't that bad... all I could hear her say is, "It's bad... it's definitely not good".  

I remember looking at BJ, watching him take in the news, and seeing all the dreams he had just disappear in an instant.  I felt like I had failed. Like for some reason it was all my fault.  I couldn't give him the perfect little box with the perfect blue bow that he deserved.  

I've since come to realize that we are not a perfect little box with a perfect blue bow kinda family.  In fact... as far as a "normal" family goes... we are about as FAR from it as you can get!!!

 

Our little box may not be the ideal little box with the perfect little blue bow... but who wants that?!  Instead, our little box is brightly colored, oddly shaped, and the bow probably doesn't match.  In other words... it's perfect for us!!  

For those of you who know BJ... you know that he is about as broken as they come.  All those dreams of football, skateboarding and dirt bikes have certainly taken their toll on his poor body.  Needless to say... his box is busted up, his bow has been ripped to shreds... and he is just perfect.  

Today was father's day.  And I don't think BJ could have been any happier.  Seeing him so exited just makes me so happy to be able to share this little box with him.  

And daddy's dreams... they aren't gone after all.  They've just shifted focus a little.  

I'm such a lucky girl... 

Dryden Jacob Corvers Fund

One of the best parts of living in New Orleans and being a part of the music scene down here is that when the going gets tough - no matter who it's for... everyone pulls together. No questions, they just get the job done. Our friends have put together a huge benefit concert for us at Southport Hall on July 27th. Dryden will most likely still be in the hospital, but I will try my hardest to make it. BJ... well he doesn't get a choice - he's playing guitar that night. :) There will be food, a raffle, and a silent auction - with all proceeds going to a fund to help pay for Dryden's medical costs and care. We have the coolest friends, I swear. Come check out the local music scene that night - as I'm sure the lineup will be pretty killer. Thanks to everyone putting this event on - we really can't thank you enough!! I've put the link in for anyone that wants to donate. Every dollar helps, trust me. No amount is too small when it comes to our little ninja. :) WE LOVE YOU!!!!!!